Quiet Moments

Tonight as I was laying in bed the room suddenly seemed very dark, too quiet, and lonely(even though Wayne's arms were wrapped around me).....and thoughts....so many thoughts were racing through my mind.

Thoughts of going to school.....

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My classmates, am I going to like them? Sure I am, I like most people. But am I going to connect with them? Are they going to like me? Is there someone in my class that I am "suppose" to meet?

Wow... I can't believe that this is really happening and so soon. Am I ready for this? Today's the 25th...no 26th so that's 5 days till the 31st and then school is in 14 days...oh my goodness that's only 19 days........................ Is my family ready for this? What am I doing to my family? Are my boys going to understand? Are they going to know that I did this to better myself, better our family, better them? Are they going to be bitter that I am leaving them for 10 hours out of the 13 hours they are awake? Rylan will be ok, but how is this going to affect Nathan? He's a GREAT kid, he'll be ok. Quality time over quantity time. Quality time over quantity time.

THE LOAN!!! Oh man, what am I doing???? Ok, if we use {this} much money and I work hard how quickly will I be able to pay it off once I am done school? That's not too bad but is that realistic? Can we really get by? Am I going to make my family suffer financially because of this choice? I KNOW it will all be worth it but what is the price? Sorry boys, tonight for the 3rd night in a row we are having PB&J sandwiches.

It's going to be like being a full-time working Mom. No it's not!!! I will not only be gone for 10 hours a day but then I am going to be studying for at least a few hours a night. I have never been a "working" Mom....I really like being a stay at home Mom. I really like being with my boys most of the time. I really like being home. I like my house.

Agggg....the money. It's ok...there are 2 things that are ok to go into debt for....the Prophet even said so......I wonder if using some of that money for a shopping trip is acceptable too...hehe... (I WAS TOTALLY KIDDING ABOUT THIS). Why can't money just be free? I wonder what prime is going to be when I am done school? I wonder if Wayne is really freaking out about the money but isn't saying anything?

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As all these thoughts were racing around in my mind I could feel my chest tightening, my breathing was getting faster and I could not slow my thoughts down. I quietly asked Wayne if he was awake but he was sound asleep so asking him for advice would be futile.

I did some deep breathing, but my mind was not cooperating. I was thinking how I wish my Dad was there so I could ask him for a father's blessing to help me with these next few weeks of craziness. Since he wasn't there I did the next best thing and something that always helps.....I started to sing in my mind
 'I Am A Child Of God'

I had only sang "I am a child of God" when I quietly heard  "You will be able to receive all the further education that you desire." These words were said to me in my Patriarchial Blessing. Right there Heavenly Father (through the Holy Ghost) gave me the "Father's blessing" that I needed. I NEEDED to know that I was going to be ok. I needed to know that my choices were what Heavenly Father approved. I needed to know that EVERYTHING was going to be fine, my boys were going to be fine, the money doesn't matter...it will all be fine. I know that this has ALL happened for a reason....there have been too many obstacles in the road that have brought me to this point to doubt that RIGHT NOW I am where I need to be. Heavenly Father KNEW that I needed this RIGHT NOW and the peace that washed over my body as I laid silently crying was astounding.  

I am still Nathan and Rylan's Mommy that will never change, I just get to wear OTHER hats too. For now I will be able to take off my Mommy hat for 10+ hours a day and put on my student hat. Then when I am done school I get to put on my working hat. What's wrong with that? I know that my Heavenly Father KNEW that right then I needed him, I REALLY needed my Dad. I am so grateful that he is ALWAYS there willing to help direct me, comfort me, teach me, and love me.

I know that it is 2am but I wanted to write this down because I know that I will want to remember this moment. I am going to have hard days and I am going to feel incredibly lonely but I will be able to go back and read these words and know that when I can't be with my earthly Dad for the love and support I need, I am NEVER alone.

I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!