I have finally been able to make the decision, not only in my head but where it's harder to do,
in my heart.
It's time to stop waiting for this baby to join our family. It's time to stop allowing/or making the excuse that I will do it after the baby comes. Well we've been waiting for over 2 years now and it hasn't happened.
This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done, in fact even typing this right now is breaking my heart. I feel like I am giving up. The "human/guilt ridden" side of my brain feels like there is that little spirit up there screaming for me to not stop, that they want to come down. My heart however, (and spirit) feels like the baby is in Heaven cheering me on, waiting to come when the time is RIGHT....
not when MY time is right!!
We are going to keep trying, I am going to keep going to the specialist, but I really really need to stop worrying/thinking about it 24 hours a day. I want to get my education, I want soooo badly to be a nurse, and I have finally applied today.
Yes, I did it, I applied.
I probably won't be accepted right now (I am sure I need to upgrade one or more of my classes), but that doesn't matter, I needed to do this for me, to remind myself how badly I really do want this.
Like I posted before, I'm working hard to lose weight, not because I want to get pregnant but because I want to be healthy. It's working, I am losing it, and I feel FABULOUS!!!
I need to focus on my husband as a husband, my friend, my soulmate, my buddy, my confidante, my lover, not just my...
donor.
Ugg, just thinking like that makes me hurt, I'm soooo sorry Wayne, but after trying to have this baby for so long sometimes the lines get blurred and then totally messed up.
I need to let go of this horrible guilt that I am carrying around. What kind of woman am I that I can't even have a baby?!? I know that that is soo illogical, but when things don't work right month after month it's incredibly hard to not think it.
Just let it go, Jackie, let it go.
I need to do this for me, and even though letting the control go is what I need to do, I am SOOOO scared. What if it never happens?
What if ?
What if????????????
So special little spirit that is up in Heaven waiting for us ...
I LOVE YOU, but I NEED this!!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
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9 comments:
Wow.. Jackie.. you are so honest in all your entries .. its refreshing to read them. I hope things get better for you and it sounds like your doing what you want to do.. Good for you!!
Way to go Jackie! I feel your pain. Good luck with everything. Like Rachelle said, your honesty is refreshing...it usually helps put things in perspective.
Jackie, you are amazing! Good for you for moving forward and making the best of things. I hope you get in. What a boost it is for you.
You are admired. Good luck getting in! (Now you guys are in the same boat as most of us.... applying and waiting...)
Well thanks ladies, I've decided that since my blog is the only journal that I write I might as well be honest about what we as a family are going through. Someday it will be interesting to look back and see how much we have grown, hopefully. :)
Yes, Sachie, I can't believe that I am excited to join the student gang..:)
wow you are such a strong women. I have been thinking of going back to school part time but I dont have the guts, good job!!
My heart aches for you. I hope that doesn't sound trite, because it's true. I think you are so strong and faithful and I'm glad to know you! You're a great mom and you always will be, so that little spirit will be lucky, as is Nathan.
I'm happy for you about school. I remember talking to you about it when we were in Saskatoon and I really felt your desire for more education, just as I did and still do. I'll be cheering you on!
good luck pretty lady...we're here for you.
go Jackie! I am excited for you!
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