YAY Nathan!!!

This is TOTALLY a Mommy brag post but I don't care.

So Nathan has been potty trained for a few months now and we have only had a few accidents, which happened because he was too busy playing. It's been fabulous!!! I hardly ever even mention potty time anymore, I'll be busy doing something and I'll hear Nathan flush and then he'll yell for me to help him wash his hands, lately he's been trying to convince us he doesn't need to though.

Anyways, as any parents know pull-ups are expensive and I hate throwing them away unless they have been wet in, because I HATE adding needlessly to the landfill problem. Nathan has only been wearing pull-ups to bed and he hasn't been wet for I don't even remember how long. So we have been reusing the pull-ups, is that gross, I don't know, he only wears them at night and he's usually had a bath just before he puts them on so really he's clean right?!? Well, I'll keep telling myself that. :)

For the last couple of weeks I have been debating whether to try not wearing pullups or not and last night we took the plunge. You should have seen W's face when Nathan told him that he didn't have on a pullup...hehe...it was a TOTAL look of dread. :)

Nathan slept last night for the first time without a pull-up and he did AWESOME, he was dry this morning!!! YAY!!!! We have a plastic sheet on his bed, but Nathan ended up on our floor at 6 this morning and yes the thought crossed my mind to get a garbage bag and put it under him. Then I figured we would just have to rip out this stupid carpet if he peed on it, so then I smiled, handed Nathan a big drink(just kidding), and fell back asleep.

Thanks for making it this far, this is one of those moments that only mean the world to Mommy and Daddy but it's worth remembering.

Good try buddy!!!

Nathan has been fighting the beloved nap time lately, which is a TOTAL no go for me!!! I NEED nap time!! Plus, Nathan is not really ready to give it up yet, he just doesn't want to stop playing for 5 mins to lay down.

Anyways, today I convinced him to lay down and have a rest, if he wanted to just lay there and read books that was fine too. Anyways, not even 5 minutes later I hear his door open. I went to check and see what he was doing. He was standing in the doorway, ball in one hand, book in the other and said, "Good morning Mommy, I am SOOOOO rested, now it's time to play."

Good try little guy, I don't think so.

Not so sure.

I wasn't too sure if I wanted to document this phase that Nathan is going through, but this blog is to help me remember all the stages, and moments, good and bad that our family is going through. Plus, someday I will totally use this against the little man... :)

This morning Nathan and I were cuddling, watching cartoons in my bed and he looked up at me and said "Mommy, I want you to leave, I don't love you."


{Insert tears here}


Oh my freakin' goodness, are you kidding me?!? I knew when we hit the hormonal teenager phase that I would probably hear those words, but not out of my sweet, innocent, 3 year olds mouth.

My heart seriously broke.

Should I send him for a time out? Should I get up and leave? Should I cry, get mad, laugh? Ohhhh... I think I am going to cry....don't cry....teach....

I told Nathan that saying he doesn't love me and wants me to leave really hurts my heart and makes me sad and he shouldn't say that anymore. Of course, he said "Why?" So again, I explained how it hurts Mommy's heart and he doesn't want to make Mommy sad does he? I then was practically suffocated from his big hug and kisses.

I know that he doesn't really know what he was saying, and I know that he wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that he was just expressing something that he was feeling, maybe he really did want me to leave so Daddy would be here and they could spend some alone time together.

I don't know.

What I do know though is that no matter if Nathan "loves" me or not, I will ALWAYS love him, I will ALWAYS be here for him no matter what....that I know....so sorry little guy, your stuck with me forever whether you like it or not.....

Thankful Thursday.

I have seen a lot of people doing Thankful Thursdays and I think it's a GREAT idea!!! So I am going to try to remember to do it each week.

1. I am sooooo thankful for spring.....finally!!! I (and I'm sure almost everyone else too) am SOOOOO tired of snow, cold weather, gloomy days, sloppy roads, yucky weather. I am so glad that it's +5 outside right now, yes Alberta readers, I know that it's probably +40 there right now you don't have to rub it in ;).

2. I am thankful for a wonderful mom that isn't afraid to be blunt with me. If it came from anyone else I would not be very impressed but mom's know best right?!?

3. I am thankful for wonderful friends, but especially my best friend Jen. I really believe that Jen and I were best friends in Heaven because from the first day I met her (at our parent talk group) I've always felt like I've known her Forever. She's like the big sister(but better) I always wanted and I'm soooo glad that she's in my life. You sexy lady you!!!

4. I am thankful for having a healthy child. There are so many kids out there that have troubles with physical and mental health, and I am sooo grateful that I have a son that so far/hopefully never has to go through these trials.

5. I am thankful for my bed. Even though it was SUCH a pain in the butt to get it here finally, I LOVE IT!!! I am glad that Wayne and I spent the money and got a bed that really truly feels like heaven.

MMMMMMMM...wipes up drool....MMMMMMM

Okay, so the other day I was going through my cookbooks and found a BBQ sauce recipe from a lady I use to nanny for. I made them in the oven and they were okay, and then yesterday morning I threw everything in the slow cooker and ohhhhh mmmmyyyyy...... let me tell you.....


These are SOOOOOOO GOOD!!!!! Plus, they are super easy. This isn't a "healthy" meal but it's sooo worth it, plus I am a person that needs variety or I go CRAZY, and you don't want to see CRAZY ;)




Caroline's BBQ ribs!!!
1 cup ketchup
1-1.5 tbsp worcestershire sauce (I used less than 1 tbsp of this cause I don't love worchisiodiaosidoji sauce)
1 cup brown or white sugar
3/4 cup vinegar (again I used a little less than this amount)
1 tsp. (heaping) dry mustard
1 small onion cut into large chunks
salt & pepper to taste
(I also added about 2 tbsp low sodium soya sauce)

Mix together, pour over ribs and cook in slow cooker for anywhere from 6 plus hours on low..... and then sit back, put on one of your kids bibs, and act like a caveman because these are that good.

I served them with yummy roasted garlic mashed potatoes , and corn (I wanted to do a different veggie but I didn't have any, that reminds me I need to go grocery shopping)

You can also cook them in the oven if you don't have a slowcooker, but I would try to cook them as slow as possible for as long as you possibly can. The recipe says 325 degrees for 1.5-2 hours but the ribs weren't fall off the bone yummy.

I hope you enjoy them.

My first picture!!!

This is the first picture that I am posting from my new camera!!! I am soooo excited!! We went for a walk tonight and I couldn't wait to get home so I could play with the pics in PS. The first one is SOOC (Straight Out Of Camera) and the second pic is the same picture as the first one it's just after I edited it!!!

Wanna see my new toy!!!???!!!

So Wayne and I had decided that we were going to save money until June and then buy the camera that I wanted. I was fine with that, wanted it sooner but was okay with it because there was an end in sight. However, Wayne decided to be a big stud again and went ahead and bought the camera early. So today, after having Nathan help hide a bunch of fake gifts and then hiding the real ones downstairs I was able to start my hunt. It was fun and let me tell you when I found the final prize I screamed, jumped up and down, and ripped apart the wrapping paper so quickly it looked like magic...hehe. So I would like to introduce you to my new baby:



Okay so this isn't MY baby, but it's a picture that looks EXACTLY like it!!! I can't wait till we get home from church tomorrow so I can play with it again. :)

Have I Ever Told You?!?!?

Spending alone time with Wayne is soooo wonderful, and we need to do it more often, maybe not sleepovers but definately date nights. So last night while we were playing Rummikub I was thinking about some of the fun dates Wayne and I have done. Wayne is VERY romantic and is very creative and comes up with fun things to do all the time. Then I started to think about how much my life changed over 5 years ago when I met him. And then..... I finally thought about how we met, and I am sure that I haven't told many people how Wayne and I "Actually" met.

A little background info.

After highschool I decided that I wasn't ready to go to school yet, so I lived in a few different places including Seattle, SanFranscisco, Lethbridge (woohoo), Saskatoon, and then NY. I moved to NY because I was tired of living the life that I was, and I didn't want to keep going down the path that I was headed. So in NY I made some life altering changes, I found out who I REALLY was and I started living how deep in my heart I always wanted to. After almost a year of NY, my girlfriends and I decided that we were going to move back to Utah (probably because we were getting old, 22-25, and we wanted to get married, hehehe) . I moved back to Canada to get "permission" to move back to the US for work/school. When I was getting ready to leave NY my girlfriends said that I wouldn't be moving to Utah, they just had the feeling that we wouldn't be together anymore. I of course, told them they were crazy but little did I know that they really did have the right feeling.

So after a few months of being back in Saskatoon with my family I started getting bored with some of the friends I had. Lot's of my friends were living a different lifestyle than what I wanted to live, they wanted to go to the bar every night on the weekend, they were big into drinking, partying, sleeping around, and kept trying to set me up with guys that were living this lifestyle. I also hung out with a lot of YSA friends and they were fun but noone interested me in a relationship kind of way. So I decided to do something.........

Here it goes.......


I went onto Yahoo dating site, and posted a little something about myself. I NEVER thought that I would meet anyone. Well, I got a lot of responses and met a few guys but was NOT interested in any of them AT ALL!!! Then low and behold this one guy responded and he seemed really interesting.....okay...... I know, I know.....it's SOOOOO LOSERISH!!!! I can't believe that I did it, but I did and I guess Heavenly Father led me that way because I wouldn't have met Wayne any other way.

Now for the neat part. Wayne had also made an account, he was a loser back then though....just kidding!!! His account trial was up the next day and he wasn't going to renew it. He decided to check the ads one last time before the trial was over and he saw an ad about an interesting girl. So he emailed me and told me his account was closing but if I wanted I could email him at his normal email address. So I did. We emailed back and forth for a week, then we talked on the phone for a week and then decided to meet.

On the day of our meeting I went to get my nails done like I always did. However, on that day I was running late (typical me) and I didn't have time to go home and really do my hair and makeup. So I quickly drove to Joe Bean's (that's where we were meeting). I was just about to do a U-turn when I saw this hot yellow mustang(Wayne had told me he drove a yellow car) drive by with a hot guy driving it. I thought "oh I hope that's the guy" and then of course I got freaked out. I parked, got out of the car, walked over to the yellow car knocked on the window, and the hot guy looked up at me.........OHHHH my heart skipped a beat, he was SOOOO cute, and his smile....
YUMMY!!!!!

We went inside, got a hot chocolate and hot apple cider, and sat and talked. The waitress kept coming up to us and asking if we needed anything, I started to get annoyed because she wouldn't leave us alone and would come up every "5-10 minutes". Well she wasn't coming up every 5-10 minutes but more like 45-60 minutes. We were soooo engrossed with eachother that we didn't realize time was flying by. Wayne asked if I was hungry and if I wanted to go for supper. The practical side of me screamed "NO, it's time to end the date and keep him wanting more." but the emotional side of me screamed louder " Yes, he's hot, he wants to continue the date, GO WITH HIM!!!!"

We went to Boston Pizza, ordered and again talked like we had known eachother for years. In fact, Wayne was SOOOO good.... when I was talking he would put his knife and fork down and listen to every word I said. WOW!!! I remember being soooo impressed. Now I'm happy if he talks to me at dinner without food in his mouth... ;). Anyways, again people seemed to be moving in fast forward, but really we were just not paying attention. We closed down Boston Pizza, Wayne then drove me back to my car, he started my car and then we sat and talked longer in his car.

I went home totally in a daze..... could he really be THE ONE???? Why are you feeling like this, you've dated lot's of guys before, but this is different!! Wow, he's hot, I could totally make out with him.... :)

I called my girlfriends the next day, and they said, "We told you so!!!!" I wanted to see Wayne again right away. I knew "they" say not to seem desperate you should give it a week, but I couldn't wait a week. That night when he called me I asked him if he would like to get together again, he said "What about tomorrow night?" I told him that the next night my family always had the missionary's over for dinner but he was more than welcome to come over. He said"Sure".

So the next night Wayne ( the poor guy) not only had to meet my family for the first time, but also 6 missionary's. HEHE!!! Oh and remember, Wayne was not a member of the church yet, we hadn't really talked anything about it, so it was I am sure an overwhelming night. My mom asked him at some point in the evening "So, Wayne, what are your intentions with my daughter?" And he said " I'm going to marry her!!!" Looking back that was kind of creepy...heheh.... but he was totally joking and I was totally loopy so it was sweet.

We dated for 3 months, got engaged and were married 6 months later. It was fast, intense, sureal, but incredible, right, and what was suppose to happen. So even though we were big losers and met from the internet, we found eachother and I know that we were meant to, so it is all worth it.

I love you Wayne, my "geeky" internet lover!!! :)

I miss my boy!!!

Well, we sent Nathan off to Grandma and Grandpa Shutra's house for a little visit for a few days and a break for Mommy and Daddy too. Even though I LOVE having the freedom and break, I MISS him SOOOO much!!! It was so weird last night coming home from watching Wayne curl and just being able to hang out together, not once did we have to stop our game of Rummikub to get a drink for Nate or give Nate a cuddle. When he's here those small things can become annoying but when he's gone I miss them. Only 2 more sleeps and then I get to see the little man, and even though I have enjoyed sleeping in and just being lazy ;) I can't wait to see him.

:) :(

Well, because I had a lot of "fun" in grade 12 and I skipped a lot of school (which is THE only thing that I regret doing in my life) I don't have a high enough average to get into the nursing program. So after a lot of procrastination I finally started calling people and I got into the Biology 30 upgrade class offered at Siast!!! YAY!!! I am very excited!! It runs from the end of April tothe end of June, but....................

it's Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights from 6:45-9:45. :( :(


:( :( :(

I am soooo sad (in fact, I am crying right now) because I will not be able to see ANY of Nathan's soccer games, and this is his first year playing. I know that it's something SOOOO petty but it's times like this that making these decisions totally SUCKS!!! AHHHHH, why couldn't it be Tuesday night instead of Monday night. I know Nathan will have so much fun playing soccer and he probably won't even notice that I'm not there, but I'll know. They only have their firsts once and I have done everything in my power to always be there for those firsts.

I am probably just a hormonal, crazy woman right now, but this really does make me feel like I am not being the "best" mom I can be.

And then I stop and think about it and I KNOW that going to school and getting a better education, learning, growing, getting stability and a backup plan for our family, doing something to better me....... well, I know that this will all help me to be the best mom , woman, wife, Jackie that I can be.

Someday, I am sure I will look back at this post and laugh at myself.......it's just soccer........ and I know that I'll have SOOOO many more chances to be at his games in the future. But still....this is another bitter/sweet moments in life, right?!?

Nathan's birthday cake!!!

So when we asked Nathan what he wanted to have for a birthday cake this year he said "Dinosaurs playing hockey", hehehe!!!! What an imagination!! So that's what Nathan got. I was in charge of baking and icing the cake and Wayne was in charge of decorating it. Wayne made the nets, the hockey sticks, the boards and put the pompoms/helmets on the dinos. I think that this was the cutest cake that we have ever made... I LOVE how it turned out.

Before & During

So we thankfully have a mold free bathroom now, and things are sort of ripped down and now we are on our way to a nice new bathroom, YAY!!! Last night Wayne and Russell worked their booties off and tore out all of the yucky moldy drywall. Wayne then hooked up an air purifier which pumps ozone into the room and kills all the rest of the mold, but stinks like crazy. I have been really stressed about this whole thing because that momma bear has come out again and I will do anything to protect my child from anything, including getting sick. But thankfully everything went well and so far noone is sick so I am super happy. Now for the rest of the tear downs and then we can start building again, and then I get to go SHOPPING!!!! I can't wait to pick out flooring, a toilet, sink, faucets, etc. I know it's not the funnest thing to shop for but I am super excited!!!

Anyways, here's a few before and after pics.

Before:


After:


Before:


After:

My dreams for you!!!

This little man just turned 3 yesterday!!! Can you believe it, because I can't!! I still remember trying for almost a week every possible way to make myself go into labor. I remember walking for hours the night before we had him because I was sure that would do it. (It didn't) I remember my water breaking in the elevator on the way up to the doctor's office, that was fun :p I remember being soooo nervous but yet strangely excited as I waited to dilate fully. I vividly remember the doctor laying him on my tummy and feeling like I was dreaming. I remember looking at him, wondering who he is, who he is to become.

The last 3 years have more than flown by, I feel like I've blinked and here we are, and now I am afraid to blink again. Everyday I worry that I haven't been "good enough" for him, but yet, Heavenly Father allowed me the wonderful opportunity to help him become who he is suppose to be. Over the last couple of days, when I look at Nathan I keep thinking of things I want for him, so I've decided to document it and then hopefully someday we can look back and see where he "really" is.

So some things that I want for Nathan:

I want him to grow into a strong individual, not physically but mentally and emotionally. I want him to really know who he is and will live who he is.

I want him to have some hard times, even though it will kill me as he has to stumble and climb through the struggles, I know that it will help him to grow.

I want him to really know that he is a son of God and that he is SOOOO important. I want him to know that he is not only important to Heavenly Father but to his Mom, Dad, grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles, and friends.

I want Nathan to someday find the wonderful woman that is out there for him, and that she will love and appreciate him for who he is. I want Nathan to be a wonderful husband, and father.

I want Nathan to be kind, gentle, caring, but fun, crazy, and just a great person to be around.

I want Nathan to be whoever he really wants to be, and not what others think he should be.

But mostly, I want Nathan to be truly happy. I want him to have everything that Heavenly Father has in store for him and more.

I love this little boy and even though I don't want him to age one more day, I can't wait to see who he is going to become.

These are my dreams for you Nate, I love you!!!!

OHHHH he is SOOO getting a HUGE SLOBBERY KISS TONIGHT!!! ;)

Wayne and I will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary this summer and he surprised me tonight with a NEW RING!!!!!! When we got married we were poor so we just got matching plain wedding bands. I have been eyeing a ring like this (it was a lot smaller though) and have been MAJORLY hinting that I want a new ring.....well low and behold the stud got me this one!!!!



Isn't it PRETTY!!!!

I am a chicken!!

I was going to post some full body before and during but after looking at them I'm not quite ready to post them out there for the world to see. There definately is a change but in the pictures I am still too close to what I was so I am not excited about showing them. Also, the before pics are of me in my bra and swim bottoms and WOW they are SUPER sexy!!! HEHE!!! So today I took some pics in a t-shirt and a different pair of swim bottoms, that way when I take the next pictures I will feel a little more comfy showing you all them. (If you are ever over at my house, remind me and I will totally show you the before and afters, I just don't know who reads my blog so I'm not crazy about people seeing me in my bra....hehe... go figure)

Anyways, I do have some before and during face shots that I am totally willing to share.

Before: (this picture kills me, it looks like a mug shot...hehe....)


During:

Oh and please don't mind the bluriness.

HELP ME!!! I'M SHRINKING!!!

Well I am proud to say that I have officially lost 26.4 lbs (11.4 lbs since Weight Watchers). I had only lost .2 of a lb over the last 2 weeks, thanks Aunt Flo, so it was an AWESOME surprise when I stepped on the scale yesterday and I had lost over 5 lbs....YAY!!!! Even though I hadn't lost weight for 2 weeks I have been losing inches. I am feeling better all the time, and I'm LOVING that all my clothes are getting WAY too big on me, I'm not going shopping yet because there's no point if I keep losing weight. :) Maybe another 10 lbs and then I'll go on a little spring shopping trip!! I also need to post some before and during pics...oh and some pics of my poop sack pants!! :)

This Man!!!

This man:
(This pic isn't very good, but I only have a limited amount to choose from so it will have to do)


Has been in my life for 5+ years, but has been in my soul forever.

Has watched me change from a spoiled, immature brat, into the (still spoiled) wife, mother, and woman that I am today.

Tries his hardest to make me laugh, usually I just roll my eyes, but I hope he knows that's because I love him.

Swept me off my feet, and made me fall in love with him within weeks of meeting him, even though I didn't admit it then.

Has allowed me to be me, good and bad, and still thinks I am pretty great.

Is a WONDERFUL father.

Makes me tingle from my toes to the tips of my hair.

Has listened to me talk for 5+ years, but still "pretends" that when I repeat a story that it's the first time he's heard it.

Doesn't give up.

Is stubborn, strongwilled, passionate, intense, loving, gentle, funny, everything that is needed to handle me.

Makes the lose my breath when he flashes me his beautiful smile.

Was made just for me, and I for him.

Is wonderfully romantic (if your husbands need any ideas on date/gift ideas have them ask Wayne he is AWESOME at them).

Is the man that I want to wake up with when I am wrinkled, gray, saggy, and old.

Is my EVERYTHING, and I love him more than I can express.

I love you sweetie, Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Being a Mom

Typical time of wake up: On weekdays, I am up by 7:30am since I drive school bus, but on the weekend I try to sleep in as long as possible.

How many times have you been a new mom: Just once but I hope to experience it again.

How old were you when you became a mom : almost 25

Favorite Kids show: Well Nathan LOVES Poko, Backyardigans, Leap Frog shows, and Whywriters(I think that's what it's called). I don't really like watching any of the shows that he does but I will sit through a Leap Frog show.

Favorite chore: Lately it's been organizing, but normally I like vacuuming, bathrooms, and folding clothes while watching a movie.;)

Least favorite chore: I really don't like doing the dishes but I also don't like my kitchen being a mess so they usually get done. I also HATE putting away clothes, but I am working on that one too.

Meal you cook most often: Anything pasta

Kids favorite meal: Nate LOVES whole wheat pasta, he Loves snap peas, actually Nathan is usually a great eater, he loves taco salad, spaghetti and homemade sauce, chicken, really there aren't too many things that he doesn't like.

5 things that make you smile when you are being a mom: 1. Nathan always telling me he loves me, especially when he's in trouble. 2. When I am explaining to Nathan how he shouldn't act he always puts his nose against mine and tries to distract me, I keep a straight face and continue but it's hard. 3. How Nathan LOVES to dance while I play the piano, when it's a fast song he dances CRAZY, but when I play slow he dances like a ballerina. 4. Nathan's little comments he comes up with like the other day we were watching figure skating and he called the ladies ballerina hockey players. It was so sweet. 5. How when we sing our nighttime songs Nathan will cuddle with Wayne (or anyone else) but when we sing our final song "I'll Love You Forever" Nathan always has to be cuddling with me, and playing with my hair. It's funny, last night he cuddled with Wayne for half of the song and then realized what he was doing and quickly jumped down and ran over to me.

Last time you went out with no kids: Well I go out every Thursday for Weight Watchers, but that really doesn't count. However, I am very lucky to have 2 great friends that I go out with once a month for a girl's night. We have been doing this for over 2 years and we so far haven't gone to the same restaurant twice which has been very fun.

If you could take your kids anywhere where would it be: I would take Nate somewhere that's warm, especially somewhere that has a beach. He LOVES going to the lake and playing in the sand, and I would love to get a tan on these albino legs.

Favorite pastime/activity with kids: I LOVE cooking with Nathan, we don't do it often since we have been so busy lately but I LOVE IT!!!!

1 thing you said you would never do when you were a mom: Spank my child, I have, and I HATE it!!!

If you had an afternoon to yourself what would you do? I would go get a manicure, man my cuticles are HORRIBLE!!! I would also get waxed in areas that REALLY hurt!!! :^O

1 thing you do that your mom did & now you do: I remember my mom singing all the time, she has a beautiful voice and I remember her always singing.

Favorite kids book: I LOVE Sandra Boynton and all her books. I really like Bearenstein Bears (so does Nathan), and I LOVE Goodnight Moon.

Scariest or most heartbreaking moment as a mom: When Nathan was just a little baby, I think he was only like 3 months old, he had a REALLY bad cold and we had to use a nebulizer on him. He would just lay there and scream, which was good because then he inhaled all of the medicine, but it broke my heart. Then I think Nathan was 18 months and he got croup, we had to go into the dr.'s office a few times to put on an oxygen mask and get some medicine again... again he cried and he just looked at me like "Help Mommy" that was horrible. Oh and when Nathan was just a little tiny baby, I had to have my gallbladder removed. My mom came down to take care of both of us, thanks mom, because I wasn't able to even hold Nathan let alone take care of him. Anyways, we had to get Nate's shots and a few hours later Nathan was not feeling so well. He was just crying and crying and even my mom couldn't calm him down. Eventually I had to just stand up and bounce him till he calmed down(it was one of THE MOST painful moment of my life) and then we laid him on my chest, ohhhh man it hurt so bad.

Most joyful moment as a mom: When I found out that I was pregnant after trying for a year. Does that count? And then when they placed Nathan on my chest after he was born.....soooo wonderful. And then when he cried for the first time.... okay I could go on and on.

.Last time your child told you they love you: Nathan just woke up from his nap and walked into my room and announced "Mommy, I sure love you, I need a drink." :)

This is a tag, if you want to do it, go ahead, it was fun!!!

WooHoo!!

That's suppose to be a whistle.

Well a little update: When I started this process (weight loss that is) I should have been a size 16 but squeezed my booty into a 14, and it wasn't comfy. Well my pants have been just getting bigger and bigger, and I've been carting around a poop sack lately and it's just not a nice picture. I've also been tightening up my belt which is causing my pants to be "wrinkled" in the front and back. Anyways, I decided to pull out my "skinny" jeans, or at least the jeans I was wearing last year when I lost all my weight.

3 months ago I couldn't even pull the pants up past my thighs, and then 4 weeks ago when I tried them on again before going back to Weight Watchers and I still couldn't get them up. Well today, I decided to try them on again. Not only did I get them on, and zipped up without sucking in, but the legs are actually a little lose.... YAY ME!!!!

Anyways, I am going to have to take some pics to show the difference because it's AWESOME fitting into smaller jeans and looking good in them too.

I Love You, but I need this!!!

I have finally been able to make the decision, not only in my head but where it's harder to do,

in my heart.

It's time to stop waiting for this baby to join our family. It's time to stop allowing/or making the excuse that I will do it after the baby comes. Well we've been waiting for over 2 years now and it hasn't happened.

This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done, in fact even typing this right now is breaking my heart. I feel like I am giving up. The "human/guilt ridden" side of my brain feels like there is that little spirit up there screaming for me to not stop, that they want to come down. My heart however, (and spirit) feels like the baby is in Heaven cheering me on, waiting to come when the time is RIGHT....

not when MY time is right!!

We are going to keep trying, I am going to keep going to the specialist, but I really really need to stop worrying/thinking about it 24 hours a day. I want to get my education, I want soooo badly to be a nurse, and I have finally applied today.

Yes, I did it, I applied.

I probably won't be accepted right now (I am sure I need to upgrade one or more of my classes), but that doesn't matter, I needed to do this for me, to remind myself how badly I really do want this.

Like I posted before, I'm working hard to lose weight, not because I want to get pregnant but because I want to be healthy. It's working, I am losing it, and I feel FABULOUS!!!

I need to focus on my husband as a husband, my friend, my soulmate, my buddy, my confidante, my lover, not just my...

donor.

Ugg, just thinking like that makes me hurt, I'm soooo sorry Wayne, but after trying to have this baby for so long sometimes the lines get blurred and then totally messed up.

I need to let go of this horrible guilt that I am carrying around. What kind of woman am I that I can't even have a baby?!? I know that that is soo illogical, but when things don't work right month after month it's incredibly hard to not think it.

Just let it go, Jackie, let it go.

I need to do this for me, and even though letting the control go is what I need to do, I am SOOOO scared. What if it never happens?

What if ?

What if????????????

So special little spirit that is up in Heaven waiting for us ...



I LOVE YOU, but I NEED this!!!